krisho: (Junhong)
i don't like ([personal profile] krisho) wrote2016-06-18 01:05 am

let your whole world fall. (3/3)



He woke up. That was a miracle in itself.

The doctor checked his vitals and performed seemingly random tests and checks for a while, and everything seemed to be okay. Joonmyun survived with nothing more than a stitched-up abdomen and a headache that wouldn’t quit.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo visited first. They doted on him, as they usually did, and Jongdae sat by his side for the longest time. “I thought you were going to die,” he said.

“Me too,” Joonmyun whispered. His voice hadn’t gone back to normal; apparently he was unconscious for almost four days.

“They said you lost too much blood. I felt that,” Jongdae said. “You were… you were dying in my arms, Joonmyun. Did you feel that too?”

“I did.”

Jongdae smiled. “You’re so lucky to be alive.”

Joonmyun looked out the window and tried to smile. “I know.”

Kyungsoo was finished arranging the flowers he brought in the vase in the hospital room. “You’re really fine? You seem… I don’t know.”

“Like I got shot in the side?” Joonmyun chuckled, but even that was too tiring. “I’m exhausted.”

Jongdae stood up and took his coat. “We get that. We’ll let you rest.”

“Let me use the bathroom in here for a bit,” Kyungsoo said before closing the door behind him.

After Jongdae waved to Joonmyun at the doorway, he suddenly jumped back when he turned around. It was Minseok, smiling at Joonmyun with a bruise around his left cheek. Jongdae gave them some space.

“What happened to your face?” asked Joonmyun. Minseok pressed the fainting bruise.

“A guard socked me on the way up to the rooftop,” he said. Minseok pulled the chair closer to his bed. “You want to know about the case?”

Joonmyun perked up. “Tell me. What happened to Victoria?”

“She obviously shot you, so that wasn’t good publicity for her. We finally opened up her emails and transaction records, and they confirmed your theory. We’re still trying to confirm the identities of the various senders of course. Victoria could have written those just to give a reason for her attacks. If they are real, they’ll be taken in as well.

“Other than that, you were right. The two payments were a down payment to the assassin and a full pay on the day of the incident. Yifan told us about that.”

Joonmyun was supposed to ask about Yifan, but Kyungsoo exited the bathroom and froze at the sight of Minseok. They stared at each other, bowed, and watched as Kyungsoo left the room. Joonmyun cocked an eyebrow. “What was that about?”

Minseok chuckled. “We had a small fight over a month ago. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Will you two be alright?” When Minseok shrugged, Joonmyun shook his head. “That fight doesn’t seem so small.”

“It really is,” Minseok said. He stood up and patted Joonmyun’s hair down. “Thank you for everything, Joonmyun. I know this entire experience— it wasn’t easy. It cost you a lot, but we’ll never forget those sacrifices. I’ll see you back in the force whenever you’re ready.”

“Thank you, captain,” Joonmyun said. They shook hands, but Minseok leaned down for a hug anyway.

“You have no idea how terrified we all were of losing you.” The crack in his voice said enough. “I’m going.” He waved goodbye and left before Joonmyun’s nurse came in to check on him again.

Joonmyun fell asleep briefly after she left. He didn’t feel like he was dreaming, and when he woke up, he was more exhausted than before. His body was heavier than usual, and his mind wasn’t as sharp. He was startled when he heard a soft snoring sound.

When he looked to his side, he saw Yifan sleeping on the couch. He looked tired too; there were cuts and bruises all over his face. Joonmyun remembered that precise moment when his eyes glazed over and he was consumed by fear and rage that he couldn’t explain. Now he knew that Yifan was alive and well enough, and it would be enough.

Yifan stirred, and his eyes softened further when he saw that Joonmyun was awake. He rushed to his side and held his hand. “Hey,” he whispered.

“Hi.” Joonmyun smiled at him, lost in the moment. Yifan sat down beside him and pressed his forehead against Joonmyun’s shoulder. He could feel Yifan’s cheeks lift into a smile against the thin fabric of his hospital gown.

Yifan stared at him, with his smile burning brightest in those eyes, before he leaned forward and kissed Joonmyun on the lips. This time, there was no rush, no urgency. They were both alive and well, and Joonmyun needed this. He needed the real reminder that they experienced this together and they survived it all. He needed to forget his own issues just for a few seconds of bliss with a man he once loved. It stung to remember why he was so furious with Yifan. It hurt to know that he would never be able to erase that crushing memory from his mind, and he didn’t want to.

Yifan pulled away first, and he made several attempts to say something before he finally settled on one.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry for everything. But know this: the one thing I could never lie about was what I felt for you. That was real.”

As much as his heart soared, a part of Joonmyun couldn’t shake off the embers of anger he thought he got rid of. “Just because you loved me, that doesn’t mean… At least now I know there was something real in all those years you lied to me.”

“And isn’t that all we need?” Yifan was still holding his hand the way they always did before.

“What? No. A real relationship has respect, and honesty, and trust. I don’t think I can trust you after everything,” said Joonmyun. Cold. Stay cold. Stay detached.

Yifan let go of his hand gently. “What do you mean? Didn’t you trust me with your life when you asked for my help?” His voice was rising, pace speeding up.

“I trusted you not to give me false information. I trusted that you had a network of other untrustworthy people around to help me. During the mission, I trusted that you had a good enough sense of self-preservation and you wouldn’t betray me or rat me out. But I don’t think I’ll ever trust you enough to let you back into my life.”

Joonmyun screamed at himself inside. He was torn between wanting to be the person he preached about to Kyungsoo and letting Yifan realize that the damage he dealt could never be erased from Joonmyun’s identity.

“So… you used me,” Yifan said. He looked crushed, void.

“Isn’t that what you did to me?”

Yifan looked away. “You know I regret that.”

They stayed silent for a few seconds. That was when Joonmyun decided to play his last card. “And I heard you. Talking to Lu Han. You said you were done—”

Yifan groaned. “It’s not what it sounds like—”

“You said you weren’t associated with him anymore. Were you going to play me again? Was that the plan?” It was his turn to raise his voice. Joonmyun thought he trusted him. Joonmyun thought he was worthy of that.

“Trust me, Joonmyun. The plan isn’t about you—”

“So there was a plan.” He sat up, ignoring the slight pain at his side. “You said you changed. You said you were just trying to live your life in peace! And you lied, again.

“Hear me out, please.” Yifan started pacing. He had the liberty of doing that; Joonmyun was stuck on a bed, furious but unable to release it physically.

“Lu Han… he’s sick,” Yifan started. “He’s been going around with Yixing, trying to look for a place to get treated. They found a facility and a doctor that’s willing to put him through a clinical trial in the U.S. They’ve been there for a while now, and they wanted me to come visit.” Yifan stared at Joonmyun. “That’s it. The only thing you’re accusing me of is being a good friend.”

Joonmyun looked down in shame. Yifan was still pacing, endlessly whispering to himself. He stopped right in front of Joonmyun. “Are you going to use this against me now? Is that how low you’re willing to go?”

When their eyes met, Yifan knew he won. Joonmyun sat there, in shame and in disarray, as if he was breaking from within. He was.

“I don’t want to see you,” Joonmyun said, voice barely above a whisper.

“Same here,” Yifan replied. He took his coat from the couch and walked over to Joonmyun’s bed. “I can’t even look at you right now—”

“This is not over,” said Joonmyun. “We just need… time.”

Yifan released a puff of breath and leaned against the frame of Joonmyun’s bed. When he looked up, Joonmyun could see the trace of a smile. “Why can’t we ever just give up?”

“I know—we both know—we’ve been through too much to give this up.”

“And when we meet again,” Yifan made eye contact, “will you finally forgive me? For everything, Joonmyun.”

They paused in silence. Joonmyun’s mind went back to that conversation with Kyungsoo, something that felt like it was so long ago. He wanted to trust Yifan. He wanted to feel as if that love that Yifan spoke of could be enough to mend some of the gaping wounds left between them. He wanted to stop missing his touch whenever he felt lonely. He wanted to stop wanting Yifan’s kiss when he knew that it would always be a scattered memory or a far-off dream.

Joonmyun gave Yifan a chance to free himself. He wanted a chance too.

“When we’re ready,” Joonmyun said, eyes soft as he looked up at Yifan, “we’ll both be forgiven.”

Yifan lifted his hand, tried to touch Joonmyun, but he knew they weren’t ready for that yet. So he walked away with his steps faltering as he got closer and closer to the door. He looked back at Joonmyun. “I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll find you,” said Joonmyun. When Yifan turned to leave the room, Joonmyun liked to imagine that there was a hint of a smile somewhere on his tired features.

Joonmyun fell asleep as his mind began to wander. He dreamed of that rooftop where he almost died. He dreamed of standing at the edge and staring at the city before him. He dreamed of standing there day and night as the lights breathe and grow. He dreamed of falling, of flying for a split second, but he only fell deep into the ocean.

Beside him were furniture from his apartment with Yifan, a soaked blueprint, random pieces of clothing they had in their shared closet, and the two pictures they had of themselves in their living room. Joonmyun reached out to grab it, but as he did, he slowly started floating upwards. As much as he wanted to hold onto it, to see it one last time, he knew that it was only weighing him down. He let go of the frame, and his surroundings slowly morphed from the middle of the ocean to the top of that building yet again. This time, he didn’t feel the urge to jump.

When he woke up, he felt at peace.










Joonmyun’s side itched as he was reading his favorite book in the old coffee shop beside his apartment. He knew the scar just formed, but the strange sensation was unbearable. It took all his self-control for him not to pick on it.

It had been a few months since everything had happened. Joonmyun gave up the badge after a few weeks of being back in service. He knew it felt a lot like giving up, but they knew how exhausted he was. Joonmyun wasn’t as fit as he was before, and he struggled with having to tend to his wound for so long. Being benched wasn’t his ideal on being a detective.

So Minseok let him resign. They would go out almost every week, and it felt like nothing had changed. Jongdae still confided in him whenever he was tired from all the stupid grunt work Minseok gave him; Minseok still confided in him whenever Jongdae was purposely slacking around just to piss him off; and Kyungsoo still avoided everyone else like the plague just to spare himself from another headache. These were his friends, his support system, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

But at the end of it, he was still tired. He still longed for something that he didn’t want to put a name to.

He wondered where Yifan was at this point. He wondered if Lu Han was alright and if Yixing was still putting up with him just because they had been through so much already. He wondered if Yifan was enjoying himself somehow. Joonmyun wasn’t.

That was how he found himself in that coffee shop everyday, reading and rereading books he loved and books he tolerated. It kept his mind busy even if his body wasn’t. It kept his mind from wandering too far into the possibilities of his life that he could never actualize.

He saw a cup being placed on his table and heard the chair across him being pulled back. “I didn’t order that, and that seat is reserved,” he said absentmindedly, not looking up from his book. He wasn’t in the mood for any pricks today.

“That’s for you, and I know it is. For me.”

Joonmyun stopped at the second word on the page when he heard that deep voice again. He looked up, just to make sure, and it still took him by surprise to see Yifan sitting there. He looked like he lost weight again, and the dark hair suited him. Joonmyun put his book down and stared at him one more time.

“What are you doing here?” Joonmyun said with a hint of a smile. He didn’t expect that reaction from himself, but Yifan reciprocated with a smile of his.

“I don’t know. You said you’d find me, but I got a little impatient.”

“So you’re saying you’re ready?” Joonmyun asked. He didn’t mean to sound so hopeful, but… he was. He was very hopeful.

“I was waiting for you,” Yifan said, his smile a little muted but still sincere. Joonmyun had his eye on the ring on his finger.

“You can’t still be wearing that,” Joonmyun whispered.

“But I am,” Yifan said, quietly confident. “And so are you.”

Joonmyun chuckled, relief flooding his senses. He fiddled with his ring again, something he didn’t take off even after the entire undercover operation. If Yifan could still make him feel this way, as if they finally had that fresh start that they needed, maybe they were right to not give up so easily.

Yifan took his hand and kissed Joonmyun’s knuckles. Joonmyun waved him away, laughing at the attention they got from some of the other customers in the room. “Get out of here,” he said, awkwardly blushing behind his book.

“Your wish is my command,” Yifan said as he stood up.

“Don’t.” Joonmyun pulled his hand down. “Stay.”

“I’ll come back. I promise.” Yifan said it like he meant it.

For once, Joonmyun trusted him.




a/n: i’m back?
forgive the weird plotholes and inconsistencies, if ever. i struggled with developing this as a zootopia AU —> the catch AU —> something else entirely
cookies to anyone who gets all the hamilton references (+ that 1 kingdom hearts reference i deliberately googled)!!!!
title from tegan and sara’s 100x
cut from exo’s white noise

AO3 LINK
follow me on twitter!!!


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